Sunday, April 10, 2011


       This is a long one... but here goes. I love what I am doing. I love serving my sponsor. I love getting my hands dirty and ending each day so exhausted that I fall asleep on the 20 minute van ride home. I love my team and I even love the mandatory pt I wake up for three days a week at 5am. I say at least once a week, "How did I ever get here? Living my dream job".
      But just like to every person, there is a whole other world beneath the surface, I would be lying to you to say that this is easy. So, I figured it was about time for some sincerity and to share what is going on under the surface. This is one of the most challenging experiences I have ever had. Everyday is a challenge physically, mentally and emotionally. But you have heard me say all of that before. The main area of challenge for me is spiritually. There is no one on my team I can talk to about God without them feeling like I am condemning them. So I suffer silently, reaching out to God and knowing that "His grace is sufficient for me".I came from a season in life where I was so immersed in Christian fellowship, that living out here feels like waking to constant darkness each day. I have not had cell phone service in three weeks (waa I know I am such a diva) and no access to local churches. But this fact really made me realized how blessed I am to have certain people in my life and how much just being in a relationship with them naturally encourages me. Without the constant love and encouragement of my family and friends I can feel myself growing weak and falling into old habits. I know that God is good and does all things for a good purpose, so through this I know it has made me rely on Him more, but also taught me how much Christian fellowships acts as the wind in my sails.
        There is a member of my team that for some reason strongly dislikes me, although to my face I would never know. He often tries to turn people against me saying that I am fake. Although I am far from perfect, I have always tried my best to love and encourage him. When I first heard about all of the things he was saying about me I was hurt and my pride was seriously offended. But after about a day of brooding, it hit me that Jesus warned me about this. "Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me." Matt. 5:11 The most recent thing I heard him say was, "No one can be that happy all the time. She's so fake". To that I literally laugh! Because it is confirmation that I have light living in me that no one or no situation can take away.
      The pastor talked this morning (yay for church now that I am back on campus!) about the teaching where Jesus says, "I am the light of the world." He later goes on to say, "You are the light of the world, live as children of the Light." Sometimes, I forget who I am or I lose track of why I am here. I am called to be salt and light. Walking with Jesus promises peace and joy that is beyond this world, but it also promises persecution. Yet, why do I always find myself surprised to find that it is happing and whining to God like, "Whyyyyyy is this happening to me?!?! I thought you loved me!" Haha, when God brings you to a desert it is an honor. He is testing you not so that you can be ashamed at how your strength fails every time, but to show you how His strength in you is always enough.
      A friend recently shared this verse with me and it definitely stuck with what my life looks like right now. May I walk you through it and my thoughts?
Romans 12:9-12
Love must be sincere. Sincere being the opposite of fake lol. For me this means that when I reach out to someone hurting and I say that I care, I have to really care. People can tell. My team can tell. I know that my love is broken and selfish but God's love is the strongest power ever to exist.
Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. This is a hard one for me. I want to fit in. I want to laugh with my team and dance to the beats that come out of our radio. But I catch myself laughing at things that are definitely not good or singing lyrics and saying, "eww I cannot believe that just came out of my mouth." It takes courage to stand up for what you believe, knowing that you will most likely be standing alone. 
Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. I stumbled upon a verse this week that went with this. Proverbs 17:17 "A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity." What struck me was the last part. That brothers are born out of trails. We have a joke here that the main thing that strengthens a team is "forced community hardship". To have brotherly love does not mean that I am smiling and huggin on people. It means that when I see my friend suffering, that there is something within me that rises up and is born in helping him. I am changed from a friend to a brother (sister).
Honor one another above yourselves. Jesus is the ultimate example of this and I found a verse a couple months ago that has served to smack me in the face and force me to check myself. "This is how we know we are in him: whoever claims to live him must walk as Jesus did." 1John 2:6.
Never be lacking in zeal but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Seeking God is a choice. I have to align my feet on the right path to get to the destination I desire. I heard it said once, "You wouldn't get on I-75 North to get the the Florida Keys would you?"
     In closing I share the last verse, verse 12. This is my daily prayer for my life and also yours:
Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.
                                                          And pray for windy weather....


  1. I am so amazed by you. Thanks for sharing your struggles. I am really convicted by your comments. Love you.

  2. Becky, this really is absolutely beautiful!!! You have a gift! I love reading about your adventure, and learning how to pray for you!!! Keep fighting the good fight, faithful servant!!
    Much love,

  3. Hi, there. I really enjoy following along on your journey and calling! this post really spoke to me about a situation I have been in. LOVE IT. sorry you have to deal with a hater...but Jesus is in you-that is EVIDENT! Stay blessed!

  4. Sister! What an awesome message! This post is my favorite yet. Spoke to my heart and I could hear your voice behind it. I am praying and don't ever hesitate to call me again to have me pray right away. Sisters CUBED!

  5. Absolutely loved this blog post! Keep being a brilliant light. Because just think, if you are feeling like you're in darkness and you know the love of God, how dark must it be for the other people on your team. After reading this I was praying for the right words to say to you, and the Lord brought me to this

    "Thomas said to Him, Lord we don't know where you are going, so how can we know the way? Jesus answered, I am the way and the trugh and the life. No one comes to the FAther except through me."

    Right now you may not know what to do. How to talk to the people around you. How to deal with not going to church every Sunday or not being surrounded by believers. But know that the Lord promised that He would never leave you nor forsake you. He's with you. And I believe that if you just keep your eyes on Him, you won't be led astray! Love you! XXOO

  6. In 1994 I believe the Lord allowed me to find this writing which was entitled "Dying To Self," writer unknown. During that time of my life as a lover of God and desiring to learn more of Him and humble myself before Him, I became the object of much persecution, false accusations, and stormy trials by the brethren. It was a very difficult time of my life but a necessary season in which allowed me to understand my Father, His Son and His Holy Spirit in greater ways then if I had never gone through that experience. Often times this is called "The Dark Night of the Soul." I am sharing this writing with you in hopes that it will encourage and strengthen you as it did me.

    When you are forgotten, or neglected, or purposely set at naught, and you don't sting and hurt with the insult or the oversight, but your heart is happy, being counted worthy to suffer for Christ.
    When your good is evil spoken of, when your wishes are crossed, your advice disregarded, your opinions ridiculed, and you refuse to let anger rise in your heart, or even defend yourself, but take it all in patient, loving silence.
    When you are content with any food, any offering, any climate, any society, any rainment, any interruption by the will of God.
    When you never care to refer to yourself in conversation, or to record your own good works, or itch after commendations, when you can truly love to be unknown.
    When you can see your brother prosper and have his needs met and can honestly rejoice with him in spirit and feel no envy, nor question God, while your own needs are far greater and in desperate circumstances.
    When you can receive correction and reproof from one of less stature than yourself and can humbly submit inwardly as well as outwardly, finding no rebellion or resentment rising up within your heart.
    Are you dead yet? In these last days, the Spirit would bring us to the cross.

    "That I may know Him, and the power of His resurrection, and the fellowship of His sufferings, being made conformable unto His death."
    Phil. 3:10